Wish We Were Older

I have pecs! I mean, everyone has them, but you know what I mean. Hooray for working out everyday for two weeks and getting some fairly nice pecs! My arms are starting to look pretty snazzy too.

I'm getting REALLY tan.

A Glimpse Of Heaven

That dream last night seemed so real, but I can't let it ruin me.

So I don't like asking for help. Is that so bad?

For Always

I want to write a simple yet cute song. I guess I should stop trying so hard, and just let it flow. They turn out better that way.

Save Me

love of my life

That message was left in my Honesty Box on December 15, 2007. I automatically knew who it was. It was the only person I ever considered the "love of my life," the only one I ever fell in love with. We finally talked a month before that message about our relationship, since we always avoided the subject. She told me things I needed to hear and things I didn't expect.

I know she left the message, but she wouldn't tell me what she meant. Maybe it's best this way, not knowing. But I can't help but wonder if I am the love of her life, or I was the love of her life? I don't think I'll ever know, and that's what bothers me.

I told her four years ago that I'd never stop loving her, and to this day, I haven't stopped. I can't stop. I miss her, and I can only hope she thinks of me sometimes.

Our love was like a shooting star: magnificent but fleeting.

Scream My Lungs Out

I'm not so good at this whole growing up thing.

I'm planning a party of sorts on August 16, and I want it to be awesome.

I ache.

I can't write music. I don't feel inspired. At all. But that's okay since I decided to focus on art this summer. I really want to work with oil pastels and charcoal.

I'm going to serenade someone soon, and they're going to be surprised.

The WEPT is going to make me weep because it's a waste of 3 hours. Why does every undergrad have to take it? Right. They want to torture us. I think they should've looked at our English grades instead. Then make most of us exempt? That would've been splendid. But no.

I need a nap.

It Ends Tonight

I'm almost at 6g. I said I'd stop at 4g this summer, but I think I may end up at 0g by the end of this year. What can I say? I'm addicted. I still don't think my parents understand exactly what I'm doing. Oh well. This is my act of rebellion, if you could even call it that, since I can't do anything to my body until I move out. Technically, I still can't even once I move out, but it's my body, and I don't care what my parents' friends and family think about me anymore. They're all a bunch of closed-minded conservatives anyway, and I'm here to prove them wrong. Just because you're gay (I'm still trying to decide if I should come out to just my parents or to pretty much all of family) and have tattoos/piercings doesn't mean you're "without morals, do drugs, and have no long-term goals." Sorry, Mom. I think we need stereotypes just so we can break them.

Just A Whisper Away

It's been two years since I've seen her. And now, I'm going to her mom's funeral on Saturday. I can't even talk about it without tearing up. Mrs. T was only 38 years old, far too young. I feel like such a horrible friend for not staying in touch with them throughout the years; Mrs. T was like my second mom, and I absolutely regret that it's been so long since I've seen her. And now, it's too late. I know I'll cry during the service. It's all so surreal. Why did she have to go? I didn't think I'd have to deal with a death so soon again, but death's inevitable, I guess. I just can't imagine what they're going through right now, especially Jess. Rest in peace, Mrs. T. I will miss you.

I Just Want You

I Just Want You
AJ Rafael

There's something I gotta say to you
But I'm so afraid of what you'll do
Ohhhh

I'll just admit this to you now
That I'm stuck on you like glue somehow
Ohhhh

Don't wanna feel so cold inside
I wanna feel the warmth that I feel with you all the time

Surrounding me just like the wind
Cuz you're the one who makes me sing

Help me find myself like how I found you oh
I need you so we can live happily too ohh
I just want you

I wanna go out with you tonight
A picnic with candlelight
I might just hold you tight

Tell me you wanna be my queen
If not it's okay a princess seems just my type I promise I'll be there tonight

I'll keep you warm in winter's white
And in the summer walks on beach sound nice

I need you now to talk with on the phone for hours at a time
Baby I just want you to be mine all mine

I wanna be your valentine your Christmas wish your pickup line
I wanna be the one who knows about your friends and foes and the TV shows you love
Look above the stars spell out your name with an exclamation point at the end of the day your the one who makes me say

www.myspace.com/ajrafael

That's probably the cutest song I've ever heard. I really want a ukulele now. And I can't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe...

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Hmm. Shouldn't the second who be whom? Oh, Relient K.

Who knew that I was once crippled by anxiety, preventing me from playing oboe in high school. (Such a shame too since I was so good at it. Ha ha.) And now? I can't get enough of playing my guitar and singing in front of people. Sure, the first song I play is always horrible because I'm terribly nervous, but there's just something about singing my heart out that's such a rush (and I can't get enough of it). I just want people to feel something when they hear me. Hardly anything else is as rewarding as that.

There's No Need To Complicate

I really don't mean to lead people on. I just don't know what I want. And this irritates me.

Put On That Deserving Tone

"Why would you want to do that?!"
"Just let Ate work wherever she's happy."

My mom isn't too thrilled that I may choose not to work with/on people. I told her I may end up becoming a zoologist or at least something with the conservation/preservation of the environment/animals. Squishy wants me to do whatever makes me happy. He's right. She won't be the one living my life. I'll see how this school year goes and then decide.

The Stars Spell Out Your Name

I signed up to be an artist at Kansas City's Chalk & Walk Festival next weekend! Eek! I'm totally stoked. And my brother signed up to be my assistant. I hope we get the smallest square available, 4' x 6'. We decided to do Starry Night because I couldn't think of anything else that we'd both want to work on. It'll definitely be a challenge, so we'll be 'practicing' out on our driveway on Monday. I'm nervous, but I'm seriously excited.

One

1 confession

1. I cut myself last month for the first time in almost a year, but I promised someone I'd never do it again. I don't know if I can handle this.
   

Two

2 things I want to do before I die

1. Go back to Canada and the Philippines
2. Find true love
   

Three

3 words that describe my life

1. Stressful
2. Unpredictable
   
3. Asian (ha)
   

Four

4 turn-ons

1. Pretty eyes
2. French accents
3. Romantics
4. Musicians
   

Five

5 turn-offs

1. High maintenance.
2. Nail-biting. That's just gross. Think about all of those germs! Eww.
3. Cursing. Well, a little is fine since I have a potty mouth, but too much profanity is unnecessary and not to mention tacky.
4. Laziness. I'm not talking about being lazy once in a while because that's fine, but having no drive or ambition in life is disappointing.
5. Poor grammar/spelling.