Head Over Heels In The Moment

I don't think tomorrow can be any more exciting.

1. I get to go to the zoo!
2. I get to see my love!

Nope. It couldn't get any better.

I'm falling fast.

Just Take A Chance

I spent my birthday with the posse. That day was absolutely AMAZING, and I don't think it could've gone any better. The best birthday present I got was her, and I couldn't be happier. I've finally found someone I can completely be myself around and not have to worry about impressing her. We can talk for hours, and she makes me laugh. Things are finally looking up.

<3

Will You Think Of Me?

I thought things started looking up on the 8th when she told me she's liked me, but now it's all going downhill. I didn't mean for her to be so confused about her sexuality, about us. I shouldn't have been so selfish. I shouldn't have wanted a relationship when she has so much to figure out about herself right now. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything in my honesty box in the first place. Maybe things will change. I'm just glad I'll get to spend time with her on my birthday.

...It's back to rebuilding.

I Could Be Your Addiction

I'm tired of waiting around, sitting on the sidelines. I shouldn't wait for my turn anymore.

I Couldn't Breathe You In

I guess it was all just a bunch of bullshit. I don't know if I can believe anything she said. She tells me she loves me, but how could she hurt me like this? She doesn't know I cried over her. I don't think she'd care. I need some time.

All I'm Asking For Is Love

You are everything I've ever wanted and then some. You are perfect.

That has got to be the sweetest line of bullshit I've ever heard. I don't understand girls. Well, I just don't understand her. Fuck this.

Your Hand Was Meant For Mine

I want to write her a letter, but I don't know what to say.

I need her to know.

Beauty In The Breakdown

I don't know who to believe anymore.

I'm really good at getting emotionally attached to people, but I'm going to do this anyway. Let's hope I don't crash and burn.

Running On Empty

For some reason, I want this to lead somewhere. Not necessarily into something serious, but at least into an open relationship.

But I've got a feeling we're only using each other for the intimacy. I don't care. I need to feel again. It's been close to four fucking years since I've been affectionate with anyone.

I've gotta start somewhere, and I trust him. I just hope I don't end up falling for him like I did before.

Wish We Were Older

I have pecs! I mean, everyone has them, but you know what I mean. Hooray for working out everyday for two weeks and getting some fairly nice pecs! My arms are starting to look pretty snazzy too.

I'm getting REALLY tan.

A Glimpse Of Heaven

That dream last night seemed so real, but I can't let it ruin me.

So I don't like asking for help. Is that so bad?

For Always

I want to write a simple yet cute song. I guess I should stop trying so hard, and just let it flow. They turn out better that way.

Save Me

love of my life

That message was left in my Honesty Box on December 15, 2007. I automatically knew who it was. It was the only person I ever considered the "love of my life," the only one I ever fell in love with. We finally talked a month before that message about our relationship, since we always avoided the subject. She told me things I needed to hear and things I didn't expect.

I know she left the message, but she wouldn't tell me what she meant. Maybe it's best this way, not knowing. But I can't help but wonder if I am the love of her life, or I was the love of her life? I don't think I'll ever know, and that's what bothers me.

I told her four years ago that I'd never stop loving her, and to this day, I haven't stopped. I can't stop. I miss her, and I can only hope she thinks of me sometimes.

Our love was like a shooting star: magnificent but fleeting.

Scream My Lungs Out

I'm not so good at this whole growing up thing.

I'm planning a party of sorts on August 16, and I want it to be awesome.

I ache.

I can't write music. I don't feel inspired. At all. But that's okay since I decided to focus on art this summer. I really want to work with oil pastels and charcoal.

I'm going to serenade someone soon, and they're going to be surprised.

The WEPT is going to make me weep because it's a waste of 3 hours. Why does every undergrad have to take it? Right. They want to torture us. I think they should've looked at our English grades instead. Then make most of us exempt? That would've been splendid. But no.

I need a nap.

It Ends Tonight

I'm almost at 6g. I said I'd stop at 4g this summer, but I think I may end up at 0g by the end of this year. What can I say? I'm addicted. I still don't think my parents understand exactly what I'm doing. Oh well. This is my act of rebellion, if you could even call it that, since I can't do anything to my body until I move out. Technically, I still can't even once I move out, but it's my body, and I don't care what my parents' friends and family think about me anymore. They're all a bunch of closed-minded conservatives anyway, and I'm here to prove them wrong. Just because you're gay (I'm still trying to decide if I should come out to just my parents or to pretty much all of family) and have tattoos/piercings doesn't mean you're "without morals, do drugs, and have no long-term goals." Sorry, Mom. I think we need stereotypes just so we can break them.

Just A Whisper Away

It's been two years since I've seen her. And now, I'm going to her mom's funeral on Saturday. I can't even talk about it without tearing up. Mrs. T was only 38 years old, far too young. I feel like such a horrible friend for not staying in touch with them throughout the years; Mrs. T was like my second mom, and I absolutely regret that it's been so long since I've seen her. And now, it's too late. I know I'll cry during the service. It's all so surreal. Why did she have to go? I didn't think I'd have to deal with a death so soon again, but death's inevitable, I guess. I just can't imagine what they're going through right now, especially Jess. Rest in peace, Mrs. T. I will miss you.

I Just Want You

I Just Want You
AJ Rafael

There's something I gotta say to you
But I'm so afraid of what you'll do
Ohhhh

I'll just admit this to you now
That I'm stuck on you like glue somehow
Ohhhh

Don't wanna feel so cold inside
I wanna feel the warmth that I feel with you all the time

Surrounding me just like the wind
Cuz you're the one who makes me sing

Help me find myself like how I found you oh
I need you so we can live happily too ohh
I just want you

I wanna go out with you tonight
A picnic with candlelight
I might just hold you tight

Tell me you wanna be my queen
If not it's okay a princess seems just my type I promise I'll be there tonight

I'll keep you warm in winter's white
And in the summer walks on beach sound nice

I need you now to talk with on the phone for hours at a time
Baby I just want you to be mine all mine

I wanna be your valentine your Christmas wish your pickup line
I wanna be the one who knows about your friends and foes and the TV shows you love
Look above the stars spell out your name with an exclamation point at the end of the day your the one who makes me say

www.myspace.com/ajrafael

That's probably the cutest song I've ever heard. I really want a ukulele now. And I can't help but wonder if maybe, just maybe...

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Hmm. Shouldn't the second who be whom? Oh, Relient K.

Who knew that I was once crippled by anxiety, preventing me from playing oboe in high school. (Such a shame too since I was so good at it. Ha ha.) And now? I can't get enough of playing my guitar and singing in front of people. Sure, the first song I play is always horrible because I'm terribly nervous, but there's just something about singing my heart out that's such a rush (and I can't get enough of it). I just want people to feel something when they hear me. Hardly anything else is as rewarding as that.

There's No Need To Complicate

I really don't mean to lead people on. I just don't know what I want. And this irritates me.

Put On That Deserving Tone

"Why would you want to do that?!"
"Just let Ate work wherever she's happy."

My mom isn't too thrilled that I may choose not to work with/on people. I told her I may end up becoming a zoologist or at least something with the conservation/preservation of the environment/animals. Squishy wants me to do whatever makes me happy. He's right. She won't be the one living my life. I'll see how this school year goes and then decide.

The Stars Spell Out Your Name

I signed up to be an artist at Kansas City's Chalk & Walk Festival next weekend! Eek! I'm totally stoked. And my brother signed up to be my assistant. I hope we get the smallest square available, 4' x 6'. We decided to do Starry Night because I couldn't think of anything else that we'd both want to work on. It'll definitely be a challenge, so we'll be 'practicing' out on our driveway on Monday. I'm nervous, but I'm seriously excited.

One

1 confession

1. I cut myself last month for the first time in almost a year, but I promised someone I'd never do it again. I don't know if I can handle this.
   

Two

2 things I want to do before I die

1. Go back to Canada and the Philippines
2. Find true love
   

Three

3 words that describe my life

1. Stressful
2. Unpredictable
   
3. Asian (ha)
   

Four

4 turn-ons

1. Pretty eyes
2. French accents
3. Romantics
4. Musicians
   

Five

5 turn-offs

1. High maintenance.
2. Nail-biting. That's just gross. Think about all of those germs! Eww.
3. Cursing. Well, a little is fine since I have a potty mouth, but too much profanity is unnecessary and not to mention tacky.
4. Laziness. I'm not talking about being lazy once in a while because that's fine, but having no drive or ambition in life is disappointing.
5. Poor grammar/spelling.
   

Six

6 things I wish I never did

1. I was too lazy to turn in scholarship applications in high school.
2. Lead him on like that.
3. Waited until the last minute to study for exams.
4. Let fear take over.
5. Jumped to conclusions.
6. Started self-mutilation.
   

Seven

7 things that cross my mind a lot

1. Where's my inspiration?
2. I suck at science.
3. I'm addicted to facebook.
4. I'm lonely.
5. I really need to find a job.
6. I need to work on my voice.
7. Am I supposed to be doing something?
   

Eight

8 ways to win my heart

1. Call me honey or sweetie. I think it's absolutely adorable.
2. Hold my hand no matter where we are.
3. If you see I'm struggling with something, offer to help me or at least give me some encouragement.
   
4. Write me something. A short poem works wonders.
5. Make me laugh.
6. If you tell me you're going to do something (like call or meet me somewhere), actually do it and be on time.
7. Smile, smile, smile!
8. Be genuine and sincere.
   

Nine

9 things about myself

1. I sometimes don't know my own strength.
2. I love the Nelson. I'd live there if I could and breathe in the art every moment of every day.
3. There's nothing like singing my heart out, hitting every note, and letting my emotions pour into every word. It's one of the best feelings in the world.
4. I'm not shy. I'm merely studying my prey.
5. My future's uncertain. I'm not making plans anymore.
   
6. I refuse to give up on love.
7. I would much rather wear a dress than a tuxedo. Actually, I would gladly wear a dress instead.
8. I think plaid shorts are (still) bombass.
9. I can't sleep without my ducky or bear.

Ten

I've seen these everywhere, especially on myspace, but I never got around to doing them. I finally gave in.

10 things I wish I could say to 10 different people

1. You're so adorable, and you make me happy. I'd still snuggle with you.
2. I never know if you're telling the truth. Please stop lying to me and to everyone else.
3. I'm afraid that once I let you go, I won't be able to write anymore. You're my muse.
4. I regret it.
5. Please stop trying to find love in every boy who shows the least bit of interest in you. You're starting to look desperate. You'll find love one day. Don't rush it.
6. I'm sorry for everything. You've been through enough.
7. I love you. Did you honestly mean it?
8. I don't know what I'll do if you get married to him. You two are perfect for each other, and I'm happy for you, but I don't know if I can handle it. It'll only mean I've missed my chance to be with you.
9. My lips are waiting.
10. We talk about sex waaaaaaay too much, and it makes me laugh.

Look For The Girl With The Broken Smile

I'm really excited about this week's blog on facebook, even though I'm the only one left posting them, which is kinda lame. Oh well.

I miss him. I need him. This makes me sad. If I don't see him soon, I'm going to cry.

I want to go back home. I want to visit soon. It's been almost 10 years since I've been back to the Philippines.

I don't know if I want to stop at a 4g. I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to the rush.

I'm going to sing my heart out at Saturday's party, and it's going to be great.

I've Got Front Row Tickets

...to watch my life go up in flames.

I'm on academic probation. If I don't get my GPA up, I'm kicked out of the School of Biological Sciences.

FUCK.

A Princess Seems Just My Type

Random thoughts for today.

1. Why is it so hard to find a girl who fits my standards?
2. Facebook is eating my soul.
3. That cheeseburger was delicious.
4. 36 minutes on the phone with Amy wasn't nearly enough time.
5. I'm glad my lobe is no longer seriously infected.
6. I need to pee.
7. What the heck was I thinking looking like that three years ago?!
8. I'm really nervous about playing at Kate's party.
9. My eyes itch.
10. I really want to cuddle.

If I Saw You In Heaven

I miss my grandpa. I wonder what Heaven's like.

I wonder if there even is a Heaven. I like to think there is.

I don't think I'll end up there though.

I hope he's okay.

I Gotta Feel You In My Bones Again

If I ever have a serious stroke, I don't think I can be happy again.

I hate the dentist. The entire right side of my face is numb.

Am I drooling?

Leave Me At The Front Door

I expect too much.

Under A Spell I Can't Break

Sometimes I tell myself to stop and think clearly. Most of the time it works.

I need to breathe.

Let's be realistic here.

Someone Else Before

Saturday was odd. I suddenly decided I don't want to spend the rest of my life (a good portion of it) working in some stuffy lab. Nope. I think I want to become a zoologist or something like that. I blame the Animal Exploration show. It sounds silly though, and I'm not entirely sure why.

I also decided I want to have kids one day. But only two at the most. Strange. I always said I'd NEVER have kids. But I want to give it a shot... as long as I'm not the one popping them out of my vajayjay.

Weeeeee.

Hurry Up And Wait

I just proved how impatient (not to mention idiotic) I am.

I went from a 10G to an 8G this afternoon, and there was no noticeable difference in size.

So.

I just tried shoving a 6G into my lobes, which are still adjusting to the minuscule change. Well, that hurt like a bum.

I should wait.

Fate Fell Short This Time

I have the tendency to mess things up. I think too much, then I end up saying the wrong thing.

I can't let it happen this time. I can't screw this up again.

These Streets Are Filled With Memories

I love it when she calls me honey.

I never understood how you could miss someone when you're sitting right next to them.

Until this morning.

If you only knew.

Sometimes...

I just want to be taken care of.

I'm Yours To Keep

1. I hate crying.
2. I blow bubbles when I'm really stressed out.
3. I wish my parents had me take piano lessons instead of swimming lessons when I was younger, but they couldn't afford it.
4. Most of the time, I gag when I'm really nervous. Or when I'm wiping gnarly butts.
5. I find girls more confusing than guys.
6. I want to move away where no one knows my name, but I shiver at the thought too.
7. I'm really affectionate. I just don't show it.
8. I don't think I'm a very good musician.
9. I have trust issues. You break a promise, you lose my trust.
10. I wish I were more outgoing. I've missed out on a lot of great things because I'm terribly shy.

Missing Puzzle Piece

It makes me sad when people give up on love. It's out there, I know it is. You have to go through a little (or a lot of) heartbreak to truly appreciate it. And It'll be worth it. Please don't lose hope.

If I die with my acoustic in hand and a song in my heart, serenading some unfortunate soul, so be it. I'm not giving up on love.

Tidal Waves Rip Right Through Me

Pick me up now
I need you so bad

I don't know why, but I'm in a bit of a funk. I'm not depressed or anything, just slightly disappointed. Maybe it's because of my allergies. Maybe it's because I found out today that I got a D in Histology. Maybe it's because Amy didn't bother telling me she was in town, when she knew I was waiting for an answer. Maybe it's because I don't know what I want to do with my life. Maybe it's just me.

Maybe.

I'll get over it soon.